I wrote this post about a month ago. I took time cooling down and took out the names and all, leaving this highly impersonal. Because most of all, I believe that people can change and I hope that some day I'll re-visit this post and will be able to say, "Huh, it was bad then. Now everything is different."
SO, let's hope....
As I entered (very much unnoticed and in the background) the world of creative fiction, I immediately saw two things. First, regardless of the work impact, value or quality, there will always be people who dislike it. And second, there will always be people who enjoy DRAMA so they will build upon that dislike. There will always be bad reviews, even to the best books out there. There will be always name-calling and stupid remarks and all sorts of wankery. But what was a revelation to me - and not in a good way - that writers themselves participate (and quite actively) in the bashing and virtual screaming matches and not-so-subtle gossiping and mockery.
I learned that authors are, even though readers might forget it from time to time, just people. Sometimes, quite often really, there is a huge difference between an author and his/her characters. However, often readers transfer their favorite character qualities onto its creator, which leads to lots and lots of disappointment.
I remember reading one girl's fanfiction - beautiful stories with complicated plotlines, with so much good snark in her narration. I saw her replies to reviewers and was saluting her way of handling ugly stupid comments that appear from time to time. She became my hero. I wish it stayed that way. Alas, we became friends and I saw her personal (privately locked!) blog. Ouch. She ranted about each review that didn't fit her fancy. She cursed (quite elaborately) at the smallest provocation. And she could not take a single word of criticism. Not mean, hurtful stuff, but good reasonable constructive suggestions. She (I learned later) created a few false accounts and started trolling her reviewers on their profiles etc.
I was flabbergasted. I wanted my illusion back. I wanted that nice person whom I liked and admired. Too late however. The veil has fallen.
Well, I thought, she was not a serious writer (bs, I know, but I did try to comfort myself). She was not taking writing seriously. She still needed to grow up.
I was writing a little bit myself, still unsure of my own abilities, still not very confident writing in English. I even posted a few things for people to read - and I was very grateful to get my few dozen reviews.
I got into a few writing groups, small ones mostly and was overjoyed sharing with people the ups and downs of writing. I watched mostly from sidelines, took my notes and painstakingly worked on my writing, correcting the mistakes that I saw popping up in many beginner writers' works.
As a reader, I was reading more than ten books a week (I call a "book" anything longer than 50K words) Knowing the joy of receiving a review, I was doing my best to comment on people's work - be that on Amazon or on fanfiction.net
I saw people get famous - many of them used to be under my radar on LJ.
I saw how the popularity change some people and didn't change other. So, I can tell, I saw both good and bad. And, I must say, I saw ugly as well.
Ugly, as not just denouncing the humble beginnings they had as writers of fanfiction. Ugly as telling their fans to personally spam and attack someone who didn't like their writing. Ugly, as asking people to leave reviews on Amazon under different names or asking people to use their friends and relatives to bump up Amazon ratings. I saw great novels fade into obscurity and crappy stuff become popular and best-selling.
I've seen Twitter wars. I've seen Goodreads bashing. And there are always, in each argument, trolls on both sides.
It's life, I should not be surprised when things like that happen. However, with each incident I felt less and less desire to enter this boiling pot of emotions. With each affirmation that to get to the top you need to sacrifice certain traits of your character, I got more and more discouraged.
I'm not thick skinned. Not really. I feel bad every time someone says harsh things about my writing. Which is pretty much every time my husband reads my first drafts. I get reviews for my work in writing classes, and I feel happy and giddy and so excited when people praise me. But do you know which comments I reread many many times, which parts I spend time analyzing? Negative one. Things people thought need improvement. Things that were off or cliche or redundant. I am most grateful for those comments, even if they pain me, even if I might disagree with them, because if everyone will be saying that I'm wonderful and perfect, I would not ever (not in my lifetime at least) have a chance to become a good writer. Because if I need a hug, I can ask for it. Critical reading of your writing is not a hug. It's a punch. And you know how people say, what doesn't kill you...
Yes, I want people to read my book. Yes, I want them to like it. Yes, when (and if) I publish, I will bask in the warmth of every positive word and frame every comment that praises me (if I get any).
But first and foremost, I will read the negative comments. Each and every one of them. Because I want my next book to be better. I will not degrade myself to cheap tricks to create an illusion that everyone loves my book. I will not think that every negative comment is a result of someone's envy.
I know, there will be trolls. I just also know that I will never be one of them. If it means I'll never reach NY bestseller list, so be it.
